How to Invite Vulnerability Without Scaring People Away

People arrive to our events often seeking connection, new and deeper friendships, and eventually become part of a community.

They usually don’t have the words to say that they are searching for an experience with a level of vulnerability that also feels safe.

They are searching to be known for who they are without being exposed more than they can handle.

This is normal, healthy and a big reason the role of the host is essential. 

The Host’s Responsibility

When we host gatherings, the logistics are only a part of being effective.
Whether we recognize it or not, we shape the conditions of the space for what emotions are allowed or comfortable to share.  

Said differently, we choose and shape what and how much truth a room can hold.

Invite too little vulnerability, and people remain polite and distant.
Push for too much intimacy and vulnerability that guests didn’t ask for or can handle, and they rightly shut down or retreat.

Appropriate vulnerability is contextual for the guests' expectations, practice, agreement and the privacy offered.
It changes from room to room.
If you force something, you will break the trust needed for authentic vulnerability at any level.
It changes based on trust, history, and shared experience.

One of the most delicate invitations a host can make is asking people to share a secret.

Why “Share a Secret” Can Go Wrong

On the surface, asking people to share a secret sounds like a shortcut to intimacy.
In practice, I’ve seen it used as an emotional ambush.

This rightly created resentment and broke trust. 

If people do not trust the room, they protect themselves.
If people feel pressured, they perform.
If people feel unsafe, they often lie.

This is not a failure of their character.
It’s a failure of the host.

That is why vulnerability must be invited wisely and never demanded indiscriminately.

Defining a “Secret” Differently

One of the most important insights from Linda Brandt’s example of her own efforts was how she defined a “secret.”

A secret was not something no one could ever know.
Knowledge counted as a secret if it was something not everyone knows.

This distinction creates safety to share a gently vulnerable secret.
It removes the association of sharing secrets and any vulnerability connected to them with shame.

A person might share something known in one part of their life and unknown in another.

This approach prevents people from fabricating stories just to participate.

When Pride Is the Hidden Secret

Many secrets are not connected to shame.
Many secrets are connected to pride and success.

You already know that many people hide their strengths and wins.
They hide the work they have done to earn the success they’re proud of.

Many keep the success secret because they’re aware that claiming strength  and owning achievement can invite judgment, even backlash from people who want to “keep us in our place.”

When we invite participants to share “secret success stories” in a supportive place, it can provide a powerful moment for them. 

Accepting Praise Is a Leadership Skill

When someone offers sincere admiration, dismissing it diminishes both people.
It tells the giver their judgment is flawed.

Accepting praise is not evidence of arrogance.
It is a generous act to honor someone else’s judgment and risk sharing it.

This practice builds healthier cultures and teaches others to do the same.

A High-Trust Environment Changes What Can Happen

Linda Brandt shared an example from a gathering of her global network leaders.
They were experienced leaders who knew one another already.
They had already demonstrated honesty, trust, and respect among themselves.
They were traveling together and walking outdoors.
They were outside of any routine.

Unusual settings can loosen defenses.
Nature invites reflection.
Movement encourages openness.

In this environment, there was a gentle capacity increase for more honesty.

Modeling Before Inviting

Before asking anyone else to share, Linda, of course, went first.
She did not share something shocking or painfully unresolved.
She shared something meaningful for her and measured in its emotional intensity.

This matters.

When a host models vulnerability, they demonstrate what the space can hold.
People then get permission to follow what they see.

The group responded in kind.
One person shared something moderate.
Another followed with similar depth.
The tone shifted gently and seemingly organically.

No commentary followed on the shares. 
No one jumped in to fix anything shared.
Only acknowledgment that others trusted and shared. 

The conversations deepened.

Why This Matters for Community Builders

Community deepens when people are allowed to be whole.
Not exposed.  Not performing.

Appropriate vulnerability strengthens bonds.
Poorly timed and uninvited vulnerability fractures them.

We must consider settings before we expect or encourage others to share vulnerably. 

Who is in the room?
What trust exists?
What emotions and truths can the setting and the people hold?

Reflection

Where might you be inviting too much, too soon?
Where might you be holding back when there is room to go deeper?
How might modeling gentle vulnerability change the way people experience belonging with you?

Get free resources on building the community you long for at www.charlesvogl.com

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