What Confident People Know About Community (That Others Don’t)

Why Seeing Friends Connect Without Us Can Hurt

My friend Brad and his wife were driving home from an event when they talked about two friends they’d introduced just a couple of months earlier. Those two had gone to an event together without either of them.
Brad’s wife was happy. She smiled and said, “I’m so glad they hit it off.”
That reveals something powerful.

We know others respond very differently in similar situations. Some feel hurt, even angry, when two friends become close after being introduced.  

That pain deserves attention.

Jealousy Comes From Fear

I’ve learned that this kind of jealousy reveals fear. When we’re unsure of our own value, we can start seeing friendship as a competition.

We might worry we’re being replaced or forgotten.
If someone we care about chooses to spend time with others, then feel threatened in a competition. Not because we dislike their joy. We just fear that we’ve lost our place in their lives.

Brad’s wife doesn’t struggle with this fear. I don’t know her deeply, and I already recognize she lives with quiet confidence. She knows that she matters. She doesn’t need constant proof. That’s why she can celebrate when her friends’ lives get richer.

That confidence makes space for generosity.

Confidence Makes Generosity Possible

When we believe we’re enough, we stop trying to win.
We work to serve. That shift changes a ton.

Brad and I have spoken about how this shows up in a workplace, too. He once walked into one of his offices and saw a time clock at the entrance. Someone had decided to start tracking employees’ arrivals and departures. Brad’s reaction was both immediate and uncomplicated.
“What is that?!  Don’t we trust our people?”

He knew that if you start measuring people’s time down to the minute, they’ll stop giving you anything you don’t measure. You might get punctuality. You’ll lose generosity, creativity, and ownership.
This is true in friendships, too.

If we track who invites who, who texts who, who replies fast enough, we kill the trust and abundance that our own great community needs.

Even At Home, Jealousy Sneaks In

Brad told me something personal in his journey.
When his kids were born, he found himself jealous of them. Not because they did anything wrong. And not because he didn’t love them. He missed his wife.

She used to give him most of her attention. Now she obviously had other people to care for. And though he knew it was right, it hurt.

He said to me, “I’m no longer the most important.”

That honesty takes strength.
He had a coach at the time who had nine kids and twenty-seven grandchildren. That coach helped Brad see the truth. These feelings were part of growing into fatherhood. Not a failure.

I call that maturity

We grow when we move through discomfort without denying it. We become stronger when we let ourselves change.

Growth Always Requires Pressure

Brad reminded me of something he considers wisdom from thermonuclear dynamics. “Growth only happens under pressure. No pressure, no growth.”

This can show up in relationships, too.

Brad and his wife once looked back at their life and realized that every quarter of every year had a major event. A house move. A new child. A death. Something always disrupted a stable rhythm.

Once they saw it clearly, they knew it was time to shift into a “less is more” season. They made space for rest.

That awareness is also a form of maturity. Recognizing when to grow and when to pause is important because both are part of building the life we want.

The Relationships That Support Our Growth

I know that we need people to walk with us through these changes. And those people won’t always be our spouse or family.
Brad recognized this, too. He created what he calls “the Handsome Men’s Club”. It’s a group of friends who meet on Fridays for a drink and real conversation. Sometimes they joke around. Sometimes they open up. Sometimes it’s just sports and text messages.

What matters is the consistency and the intention for deepening relationships that they know matter. 

Brad didn’t create the group to extract from his new friends. He created it to give. And because he invested first, the community grew into something that could hold him when he needed support, too.

I’ve seen too many people try to create friendship by asking, “What can I get?” in every investment.
That never works for the long haul. People get wise. They don’t need more of those “friends” in their lives.
We have to lead with generosity if we want deep and durable connections to last.

Group Texts Can’t Replace Real Investment

Group texts are wonderful. I’m in a few myself. They keep connection easy and fun with jokes and encouraging notes. 
And they only work after we’ve made real investments elsewhere.  We still need to invest in in-person time and patience. 

They’re not a substitute. They’re a bonus.

Brad said something that matters. When he notices something in the group chat that seems off, he reaches out individually. He checks in privately. Deeper investment makes the group bonus work.
That’s what intimacy looks like.

Friendship Takes Work, So Do You Want To Do It?

We don’t talk about this enough.
Friendship is work. Hopefully, it feels like fun work.

Brad sees people online say, “If someone doesn’t reach out to me, I’m not reaching out to them.”
I’ve seen that too. It sounds like wisdom. It’s not.
If everyone thinks like that, no one ends up with real friends. We just sit around waiting to be invited while convincing ourselves we’re protecting our time.

That’s not community. That’s loneliness with complaining.

The Invitation That Matters Most

I live in San Francisco. We have museums with jazz nights and food trucks. Most are free.
A powerful invitation doesn’t have to cost a lot.
It just needs to say: “I want to spend time with you.”

That’s an invitation that opens the possibility to build trust. That’s how we grow friendships that can carry us through hard times and celebrate with us in the good.
And that’s what generosity looks like, investing before you know what you’ll get back.

Get free resources on building the community you long for at www.charlesvogl.com

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