Why Half Your Team Doesn't Have 4 Friends (And How to Change That)

The Crisis We're All Living In

We know that people feel lonely around many people.
In fact, in my work, we have a name for that.
We call it the crisis of belonging.
I know that I'm walking in a world where I'm surrounded by people who are surrounded by people feeling lonely.
The Surgeon General has declared this time a loneliness epidemic for the United States.
The research is really clear.
So, for example, when I'm out in the world, I remember as I'm at a burger place noticing who looks like they're out having fun, that according to some research, less than half of Americans have 4 friends.
Or said differently, half the people I see do not have 4 friends to call upon for help.
And when we look at the research of young people, say 18 to 24, it indicates that roughly 80 percent of them say they're lonely.
So that would be loneliness.
In my work, I think we're working on the opposite of that.

What Leaders Get Wrong About Connection

I spend my days working with leaders who want to create connection in their organizations.
They come to me frustrated, saying things like "We've tried everything, these people just won't get engaged."
They describe elaborate team-building exercises, expensive retreats, catered lunches that few attend.
They pour resources into conventional connecting strategies and wonder why nothing changes.
My first question often reveals their clumsiness: "What are you inviting them to?"
The silence that follows often tells me we've found the problem.
Most of what we call invitations are actually announcements.

These serve important functions in organizations.
They share information, coordinate schedules, fulfill requirements.
They don't create belonging.

The Difference That Matters

An invitation in my work is something different.
It's a request to spend time where other people know that someone cares if you show up.
Not just that you fill a seat or complete a headcount.
People want to know that their particular presence matters to someone.

The Question That Reveals Everything

Community and belonging start with an invitation.
Whenever I go to an organization and they say something like "there's this group of people, be they parents or medical professionals or whatnot, we want them to get it, we've tried everything and they just won't get engaged," I know my first question is: what are you inviting them to?

Again, in my work, an invitation is a request to spend time where other people know that someone cares if they show up.
If everyone that you think you're inviting does not know that someone cares if they show up, we have a name for that.
It's called an announcement.
There's nothing wrong with an announcement.
Large organizations, including schools and hospitals, need to make announcements.
Just know they're not invitations, so it's not enough.

When I find out that there are either no invitations going out or there are very few invitations going out - like one in October or welcome something - or you're inviting people to things they don't want to come to, like a noisy bar on a Friday night when parents want to be with their kids, then I know that's where we need to start.

I don't care what your aspirations are.
If I see there are no invitations or not enough invitations or invitations to things people don't want to come to, then nothing's going to move.
That's where we start.

Frankly, that is often enough to unlock a lot of stuff.
I can't tell you how many organizations have said to me after a visit, "Wow, we started looking at what we're inviting people to and everything changed."

The Invitations That Actually Work

The invitations that build belonging often look like they happen in the margins.
The coffee conversation before the formal meeting starts.
The walk around the building instead of sitting in another conference room.
The shared meal without an agenda.
These moments accumulate.
They grow trust.
They grow care.They grow a collaborative foundation everything else in the relationship is built.
You have to schedule this time.

You also need to recognize that it just takes time for people to become connected.
I go to a lot of places where they would love everybody to feel connected and they love all the benefits that come from that.
They just don't want to commit any time to it.
It needs to be scheduled in a way where other things aren't competing with the experience of creating those friendships.
If you create a retreat where the whole retreat is about accomplishing decision-making for the next year, it's competing with that relationship building.

Making Every Moment Count

Part of the invitation is to make sure that you're not hoarding them or saving them for the one big event, the annual event.
Forty-five-minute lunch meetings count.
Lunch times count.
Walks around lakes count.
Fifteen-minute conversations at a conference before a session count.
We can look to see how we're encouraging people to extend these invitations to knit together those relationships.

Your People Are Waiting

What if today you extended one real invitation?
Not an announcement or a requirement or a networking opportunity.
An invitation to spend time where someone knows you care if they show up.
What if you asked someone to walk with you instead of sitting in another meeting?
What if you invited a colleague to coffee not to discuss business but to hear what they aspire to create in life?
What if you created space for people to share what matters to them beyond their job?
The loneliness epidemic seems overwhelming when we think about statistics and systems.
It becomes manageable when we think about invitations.
One person cares if another shows up.
One conversation that says, "you matter here."
One moment of genuine connection in a world that has forgotten how to create them.
Tomorrow morning, someone will hesitate at a threshold near you.
They'll wonder if anyone cares whether they enter or leave.
Your invitation might be the difference between belonging and isolation.
Who will you invite?
What will you invite them to?
Are you ok with a humble and simple experience?
How will you let them know that someone cares if they show up?
Your people are waiting for you to answer.

Get free resources on building the community you long for at www.charlesvogl.com

Order the 2nd Edition with 25% new content