There's a moment in each leader's journey when responsibility feels overwhelming. Sometimes a crisis demands immediate action.

That moment we step into what Kevin Eikenberry calls the "command and control" mode.

Quick decisions and clear directions are appropriate. People need to learn exactly what to do and when to do it.

And it can work. Many leaders make a critical mistake with command and control leadership.

I’ve learned that this kind of jealousy reveals fear. When we’re unsure of our own value, we can start seeing friendship as a competition. 

We might worry we’re being replaced or forgotten.

If someone we care about chooses to spend time with others, then feel threatened in a competition. Not because we dislike their joy. We just fear that we’ve lost our place in their lives.

I've been thinking about a conversation I had recently with Eric Winters, the founder of Heylo, about community leadership, and it's stuck with me.

We were discussing something I've observed across so many communities: people recognize they're growing in the inner rings of your community when they're contributing more.
This creates what I recognize as a contribution paradox.
As leaders, we desperately need help.
But we often approach this need in ways that create resentment rather than belonging.

Most people sense when something feels off. Few know why.
Lighting often creates this discomfort.
Cool, blue-toned lighting, even when bright, creates vigilance. It keeps people alert, not calm.

When a ritual no longer fits a community, it needs to change.
And the change must preserve the meaning that made it matter in the first place.

If you host, plan, or support any school community gatherings, you need to download the School Community Events Guidelines right now.
This free resource gives you a tested framework to welcome families, support connections, and design meaningful farewells.

For military families, who are constantly moving, finding themselves without longstanding relationships is a common challenge. They often lack someone to call for a "cup of sugar," figuratively or literally. The Free Military Family Events Guidelines provide a clear path to form events that grow crucial connections.

An invitation in my work is something different.
It's a request to spend time where other people know that someone cares if you show up.
Not just that you fill a seat or complete a headcount.
People want to know that their particular presence matters to someone.

We often think about intelligence in terms of intellect, problem-solving, or even emotional awareness.
And, there’s a critical form of intelligence that shapes our very capacity to thrive: social intelligence.
This is a key theme brought up in our recent Smart Intelligence Panel Discussion at Google.
Social intelligence can mean recognizing the wisdom in how relationships work.
It can be the skill of investing in important relationships so they are present not just on the good days, but critically, on the really bad days.
And even more importantly, for the times others face their own profound challenges.
It can mean being committed enough and invested enough to cultivate these connections.
Obviously, together, we can stand, sometimes barely stand, when life demands adaptability and resilience.

The Free School Community Events Guidelines download is waiting for you.
No paywall. Not an email course. No contact information exchange.
The Free School Community Events Guidelines download is waiting for you.
No paywall. Not an email course. No contact information exchange.

Just immediate access to strategies that can transform your next event.

Every school deserves access to community-building strategies that work.

Your next event is happening whether you use these strategies or not. The question is whether it will prove another expensive obligation or a genuine investment in community connection.

The only question remaining is: what kind of community do you want to create?

Download the Free School Community Events Guidelines and start building the community your school actually needs.

Recently, I joined Kiki L’Italien for a conversation on Association Chat.
She posed a question that, of course, is important for all of us in this time.
"In a world where so many of us feel disconnected despite being constantly connected on our phones and every other way you can imagine possible, what really creates the glue that brings us all together?"
Her energy reminded me why I wrote The Art of Community 1st edition years ago.
I wrote it because we've forgotten so much that is essential on how we create bonds that matter.

Initiation doesn’t have to be complex or dramatic. It use a token. A patch. A moment around a fire. These aren’t grand gestures. They simply officially mark a meaningful shift — the transition from visitor to honored contributing member.

The simple truth: when people accept your invitation and show up, they’re offering their time and their presence. They want to meet others who care about the same things. They want to feel part of something human. Focusing on logistics before considering experience often causes leaders to miss that opportunity.

Too many community leaders never learn this truth.
They assume that possibly anyone who shows up is ready to sign on, get involved, and lead.
That expectation drives people away.
We all need time to explore before we commit.
We need to see how a group works.
We need to recognize what the community values.
And we need to decide whether we want to share in that commitment with them.

People want to feel seen, included, and loved.

Powerful and durable leadership today, in an isolated age, usually involves hosting, connecting, and encouraging others into recognizing how they belong.

And this always starts with simple actions.

In modern life's rush, there's a kind of magic that happens when you slow down, open your home, and invite others in for a meal.

You can now download a free simple tool to help anyone gathering military families for connection, friendship and support.

The most forward-thinking organizations aren’t asking if they need connection.
They’re asking how to build it deliberately, sustainably, and wisely. Especially in a time of scary uncertainty and change.

Many people are already doing community building leadeship.
They just don’t know it.
They’re organizing camping trips, coordinating running groups, and inviting friends to casual hot pot and dinners.
And most of the time, they don’t call themselves “leaders.”
But they’re doing something powerful and many of us are hungry for.

Consider this: when facing life's more challenging moments, such as receiving difficult news, the environment in which we share our experiences matters. A quiet room with a small group of people creates a space where intimate revelations can be shared safely and without the fear of being drowned out by background noise or the presence of too many listeners.