Why the Best Relationships Are Never Quid Pro Quo

What makes the biggest difference in who grows into an important friend isn’t how we meet them.

It’s Intention.
In my experience, I don’t want to spend time with people who reach out because they see an extractive opportunity.
That opportunity might be knowledge, access, or my money. Mostly, I’m happy to share what I know. And happy to be helpful.
What I’m not interested in is a new relationship that shows up only as a transaction.
Because when generosity is missing, what’s left is extraction.
And most of us already have plenty of this.

Transaction Is Fast

Generosity is Durable.
Transactional relationships are efficient. They’re often clear.  They’re even measurable. 
They’re also fragile.
They last only as long as the value exchange makes sense.
Generous relationships are different.  They’re often slower to grow.  

They’re less predictable.
They need attention.

But they endure when times and people get tough.
The difference is how we enter the relationship.

Wanting Something Isn’t the Problem

There’s a common misunderstanding about generosity.
People assume it means pretending you don’t want anything.

That’s not even close to true.

Most of us want to grow.
We want to learn.
We want to make a difference, matter even.

The question is not whether we benefit.
The question is whether the other person is reduced to a means.

How People Decide Whether to Engage With You

When we meet someone new,  there’s a quiet assessment happening.
Is this person here to take or to contribute?
That assessment isn’t all intellectual.  It’s very much an emotional judgement as well.

People emotionally respond to:
How quickly we highlight subjects.
How we listen.
How curious we are about their world.

Years ago, I met someone at a conference who worked at a very well-known venture capital firm.
I had no background in tech.
No overlap with his professional world.
No obvious value to offer.

When we later met one-on-one away from the conference,
I didn’t know what we would talk about.
So I did what mentors had taught me to do.
I asked what he was working on that actually mattered to him.
Not in his job,  his whole life.
That question opened a very different conversation.

He shared causes he deeply cared about, including international education and healthcare.
Because I was listening carefully, I was able to offer a few relevant introductions.

Not as leverage or strategy. I just wanted to offer support where possible. 

At one point, he paused and said in a startled voice that very few people ever showed up to his office to help with what deeply mattered to him.

From that moment, a new trust grew between us. 

“Too Direct” Often Backfires

Many people try to be generous by speaking explicitly.

“What can I help you with?”
“Who do you want to meet?”

Those questions sound helpful, but they often land as transactional.

A more generous approach is often more subtle.
Listen for what someone cares about.
Notice where energy shows up.
Pay attention to emotion.

Ask whether support would be useful where you notice there is passion and commitment.

Generosity Is Long-Term Thinking

Transactional relationships often optimize for speed.
Generous relationships optimize for durability.

When we lead with generosity:
We stop forcing outcomes.
We stop managing impressions.
We actually show up as someone people want to know.

For good reason, we become someone others trust to include in their lives. 

Of course, there is no working community without trust.  

A Question Worth Asking Yourself

When you enter a conversation,
what posture are you bringing that others can recognize?

Extraction.
Or generosity.

People can tell far more than many think.

Get free resources on building the community you long for at www.charlesvogl.com

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