When Belonging Turns Dangerous
What Makes a Community and What Makes It Dangerous?
A question I know comes up often enough is:
“Aren’t these principles about belonging the same as those cults use?”
I understand why.
The ideas I explore in The Art of Community come from long time developed spiritual traditions. These principles that foster shared purpose, resilience, and deep connection, have been used for thousands of years to build strong, committed groups. So it’s not a stretch to wonder: If we're borrowing practices from religion or spiritual community-building, does that make us cultish?
Let’s unpack that together.
Why the Word “Cult” Is So Misused
First, we need to recognize that cult is a word that gets thrown around without much agreed understanding and often misused.
If we define a cult as people who like to gather, wear similar clothes, laugh at inside jokes, and share unusual rituals, then every high school marching band in America is a cult.
Clearly, it takes more than matching T-shirts and shared enthusiasm to qualify.
So let's get clear. We're not talking about eccentric communities when asking about cults. Usually we're referring to harmful cults. These are groups that manipulate, exploit, and isolate members, often in subtle ways so members may not even recognize the efforts.
3 Red Flags of a Harmful Cult
There are specific patterns that show up when a group grows harmful.
Let’s walk through three of the biggest ones:
1. Recruiting Instead of Serving
In a healthy community, the goal is to serve members. The focus is to help participants grow, heal, and become more connected and or more effective in their lives as they long to.
In a cult, the priority shifts. Growing the membership becomes the ultimate goal. Attention focuses on getting more people in the door rather than ensuring those already inside are thriving.
When prioritizing recruitment, deception often follows. Leaders start hiding the full picture. Visitors are not told what real membership includes. Why? Because making you feel good enough to join becomes more important than helping you thrive once you spend more time.
2. No Moral Accountability
Ask: Who holds the leader accountable?
In most established religious organizations, even when leadership fails (and yes, plenty of examples of this), there’s a formal hierarchy in place to hold written standards. There are structures that can hold someone to account.
In harmful cults, that’s missing. The leader(s) answers only to themselves. This often means ignoring the laws of the land on obvious criminality. Harmful cult leaders have no accountability for theft, fraud, physical abuse or criminal business activities.
This lack of external or moral accountability means there’s no check on abusive behavior. It becomes frighteningly easy for one person to make the rules, break them, and still demand loyalty.
3. It’s Hard to Leave
This may be the clearest red flag of all.
In healthy communities, people leave when it’s no longer a fit. You might get a call from a friend checking in after we depart. Maybe someone encourages us to return. But there is no coercion.
In a harmful cult, leaving is costly.
You might face blackmail, threats, or financial punishment. You might lose your entire social support system overnight.
When someone’s scared to walk away, that’s not supportive community in freedom. That’s control.
The Myth of “One True Community”
In my own life, I belong to many communities.
I am part of a parenting group in Berkeley that supports families. I also spend time in a mountain adventure group where we train and travel together. And I collaborate with other writers and thought leaders using media to speak to a world in pain.
Each of these communities serves a different part of me.
There is no tension in that unless a group starts insisting there should be.
If a group tells you to cut ties with people who support you outside the group, that is a serious warning sign.
Healthy communities recognize that we live in a dynamic world. They encourage relationships and participation beyond their own borders.
When you hear things like:
“Everyone outside this group is bad...”
“You shouldn't spend time with anyone else...”
“Only we understand the truth…”
That’s not spiritual commitment. That’s isolation.
Healthy Belonging Is Not About Control
Let's be honest. People long to belong.
But in our desire for meaning, it is easy to stumble into relationships that promise growth while delivering control.
Here is the good news.
The same ancient principles that cults may twist can be reclaimed with integrity. We can use them to build belonging that enriches, not dominates.
We can choose transparency instead of manipulation. Moral accountability instead of blind allegiance. And invitation instead of coercion.
What kind of community are you building?
Are you encouraging connection beyond your walls, or discouraging it?
Are you serving your members, or just recruiting more?
Let us build communities where people grow freely, love deeply, and walk away if and when they need to, with love still intact.
Watch the full conversation episode here: The Art of Community Conversations Episode 8
Get free resources on building the community you long for at www.charlesvogl.com
