The Mistake That Pushes New Members Away
They Wanted Me on the Board. I Wasn’t Even Sure I Liked Sitting in a room with them.
I attended a retreat for authors not long after my first book came out.
The experience could have felt welcoming.
Instead, several of us felt like strangers at a family reunion.
Most members had written books before email existed.
Three of us were new to book publishing, and we noticed the gathering didn’t meet any needs of emerging writers.
So we made some suggestions if they truly wanted relevancy for new authors.
One older author turned to me and said, “You should join the board and help change things.”
That hit really weird and distasteful.
I had met those folks for less than two days.
I didn’t even know if I liked sitting in a room with them.
And someone expected me to seek leadership?
They mistook my mere attendance for commitment.
They didn’t recognize that I was still figuring out whether I belonged anywhere near them.
Spoiler, all three of us recognized we didn't.
Exploration Comes Before Belonging
Too many community leaders never learn this truth.
They assume that possibly anyone who shows up is ready to sign on, get involved, and lead.
That expectation drives people away.
We all need time to explore before we commit.
We need to see how a group works.
We need to recognize what the community values.
And we need to decide whether we want to share in that commitment with them.
This exploration phase is not optional.
It's foundational.
It is the difference between healthy community growth and offending the people checking you out.
How to Create Exploration Zones
Communities grow when they give people a safe way to learn what the community seeks to create and offer.
Here are two ways to offer that space.
1. Visitor-Friendly Events (Outer Ring Events)
Host gatherings where guests can observe or participate casually.
These events should allow people to show up without making a long-term commitment.
Think of a basketball team.
Visitors can watch practice before they sign up to play.
They get to see if the team focuses on fun or on winning at all costs.
The community learns something too.
Are these visitors showing up with curiosity?
Do they respect what we value?
Do they bring the kind of generosity or intensity that fits here?
When both sides get to explore, stronger relationships can form.
2. Create a Novice Level
Some communities call this stage a "novice", "prospective" or "apprentice"
Whatever name you choose, the idea stays the same.
A novice isn’t a full member.
They are learning how things work.
They are discovering if this space is a good fit.
They have access to events, experiences and people that mere visitors don't.
And they consider whether they want to grow in the direction the community is growing.
This stage also allows current members to see whether the novice aligns with their values.
Does this person take the work seriously?
Are they willing to perform at the level we expect?
The novice stage protects the community and respects the visitor.
It keeps everyone honest.
Stop Asking for Marriage Before Coffee
That author retreat felt like someone proposed house hunting during our first coffee meeting.
I hadn’t even decided if I liked the group. (I didn't)
And they wanted me to shape its future.
That’s how many communities operate.
This creates tension and misunderstanding.
It creates commitment expectation instead of welcome.
Let visitors experience the tone, pace, and values with adequate time.
If it’s a match, commitment will follow.
The Welcome Starts the Right Relationship
Feeling belonging starts before a visitor makes a long term commitment.
It begins when someone feels invited to explore.
They need time to ask:
Do I fit here?
Do I respect what this community values?
Communities also need to ask:
Does this person align with our values?
Will they strengthen what we’re building together?
Both sides need room to explore.
That’s how strong communities grow.
So, the next time someone shows up, don’t expect them to lead.
Offer them a seat.
Offer them time.
Offer them a real invitation.
Get free resources on building the community you long for at www.charlesvogl.com
